Harry and Hilda live at number 42 Greenbank Road. It is a neat, 1950’s 3 bedroom mid terrace house with a small patch of grass out the front and a small garden out the back. Harry and HiIda have lived at number 42 for 35 years and are well known amongst their neighbours, having two very good friends, the O’Neil’s at number 40 and the Sharwood's at number 68, believed to be the rougher end of the road.
Pretty much every Saturday night for the past 12 years, barring holidays and high days, the 3 couples go the Ferret and Ball, their local Working Men's Club. There is a pub, the Royal Hat, that is slightly closer to their home, but the pub doesn’t do Bingo hence their hard earned money is spent at ‘The Club’
Hilda and her 2 female friends, Doreen Sharwood and Sheila O’Neil, like to get dressed up for their night out. With a bit of slap on and in their best C&A frocks they look a right treat and their husbands are very proud of their wives looking so glamorous on their weekly night out. The gents of course try their hardest to look good for their spouses, and wear their best trousers, a clean white shirt and a smart jacket, no ties though, they don’t feel comfortable in tight neckwear, the Club committee don’t mind as so few of the men who go to the club wear ties.
It is the first weekend after the Easter holidays; the grandchildren have been visiting Hilda and Doreen. Sheila has no grandchildren, her son is gay, which is just fine by her and Cliff, but they are hoping that Steven, their son, will get married to his boyfriend and adopt some lovely little girl for Sheila and Cliff to spoil rotten. Anyway, I digress. It is important to remember this is the first weekend after Easter because they have not been to the club for the last 2 Saturdays and as such they believe their luck is in and one of the threesome will win. Hilda hopes she will win the giant teddy bear which she will keep for when her grandchildren visit. So off they go, looking great and feeling good, to the club.
At the club the sextet settle at their usual table by the bar. On the way greetings were shouted at them by other club members, ’where’ve you been, Benidorm’ or ‘can’t tek the highlife no-more’, or ‘long time no see’. 2 weeks is a long time in South Hardcastle. The men go to the bar to get the drinks. They do not buy in rounds. It was agreed years ago that this was not a fair way of sharing the cost of drinks, so only bought for each other unless it was someone’s birthday, when one drink would be bought for the birthday recipient by each of the other two couples, then back to buying for themselves.
They had all settled in, exactly half an hour before the bingo was due to begin. Hilda was scrabbling around in her voluminous bag. She kept this up for a few minutes, and then emptied her bag on the table. Her purse, a comb, some lippy, a desert spoon, no idea how that got in there, a handkerchief. Hilda gave a wail, I forgot me bingo pen”. She almost put her head into the bag to see if she had missed a dark corner, but no, the Bingo pen was not there.
“That’s OK illy,” soothed Harry ” we can look for it when we get home , but at very moment both Doreen and Sheila exclaimed simultaneously “Mines gone too”. Now the stakes were high. Doreen had bought the three pens five years ago one for each of them, and they were used ritually when they played bingo together at the club on a Saturday night. All of the three women had now emptied their bags on the table, but nowhere could be seen a bingo pen. Harry, who thought himself something of a private detective, took charge.
“Ooh this is a mystery that needs solving” announces Harry getting up from the table and heading to the Bingo callers table, situated on the small stage. “E’s just like that detective on the tele, Shylock, loved im” said Sheila, “you know who I mean, Benedictine Constableitch”.
“Yea he’s great” Doreen joined in “with his little mate, Michael Threemans, he was a obbit in that film about rings and elves, yea what’s is name, Yodo that’s it”.
Hilda felt left out so added “It’s not Michael it’s Martin, Dean Martin “.
By this time Harry had reached the callers table, turned on the callers’ microphone and enquired if anyone in the room had lost their bingo pens, or had anyone found one or three. There were many shaking of heads and sounds of,’ no and not lost mine’. It would appear only Hilda, Sheila, and Doreen had lost theirs.
Harry thanked the bingo caller and returned to the table.
Hilda was nearly in tears, how would she ever win that giant teddy bear if she did not have her special lucky Bingo pen?
“Don’t fesh yerself Illy” placated Harry. “Let’s work out when you last had your pen, well, all your pens,” he gesticulated to all 3 women, “and see if this jogs your memory about where you put your pens, or if they were stolen.” A gasp came from Hilda, Sheila and Doreen when Harry said the word stolen. But Harry, undeterred carried on.
“Now, when was the last time you used yer pens,” he looked individually at all 3 women.
Hilda started, turning to her female friends, “e’s just like Bernadette Cummerbund isn’t he, so masterful,” Sheila and Doreen nodded. “Well the last time we came to play Bingo was the Saturday before our Ellen brought the kids over for Easter, I don’t think we have been here on a Saturday since”. Again Sheila and Doreen nodded their heads.
“Now are you sure” probed inspector Harry. What about going to other places to play Bingo, like a Bingo Hall”. A deep intake of breath, almost a snort came from the women, “We would never go anywhere else and betray our loyalty to the club”, said Doreen with indignation , “Never” agreed the other two earnestly.
“Oh calm down, I am not accusing you of anything. Yet” a cunning move by the now highly excited Mr Harry Sherlock Homes, as he skilfully eyeballed each woman slowly and with conviction. Small giggles arose from each of them under Harry’s stony faced scrutiny. “We shall go through each day since you were last here and I want you all to think carefully about what you did. Hilda you first. Let’s take it from the first Saturday after the grandkids arrived when we did not come to the club” A nod of agreement from Hilda and she began her interrogation.
“Well Sunday was Easter Sunday, so we ad Roast beef and all the trimmins, then we took the kids to the park to use up some of their energy. Then you and I Arry had an afternoon nap. Our Ellen made tea and we settled in to watch that new Disney movie where a young girl saves a house from falling apart, Arry should have elped with the DIY, ouse would have never of fallen apart if e’d of elped. Then Ellen and the kids went home on Monday, but we agreed to babysit the next Saturday so Ellen and her hubby could have a ‘date night’ whatever that is. And really that’s all, apart from going shopping, and having a cuppa and natter with Doreen and Sheila, I never went out”.
“Now Ilda when you say never went out, surely you went into the garden, or popped to the corner shop to get some sweeties for the kids?” Harry continued his interrogation of Hilda staring at her straight in the eyes in an attempt to intimidate this witness. Never works on Hilda, she just raised her nose into the air and sniffed. “OK you next Doreen”.
“Well, “started Doreen, “pretty much the same as Ilda here. Ad the family around, made dinner, slept Sunday afternoon, watched a film, went to bed, family returned home and I said I would babysit next Saturday so our two could play with your two, eases the burden and is less exhausting.”
Harry was getting a bit bored of being a famous detective by now, and the bingo was due to start in 10 minutes so he did not cross question Doreen but passed straight to Sheila. “Now Sheila you ave no grandchildren so what did you and Cliff do over Easter.”
Sheila looked sheepish. “Easter Sunday Steven and his partner Philip took us for a posh meal at a restaurant. It was really nice, waiters, tablecloths and everything. I ad steak an ale pie, Cliff ad the Scampi. Weren’t it nice Cliff”? Cliff nodded feeling he’d betrayed the brotherhood by getting dressed up just to go for a meal. But Sheila had insisted. “We ad a quiet Monday pottering in the garden, making cakes, and just getting ready for Cliff to go back to work on Tuesday” Cliff was the only one of this group that had not yet retired, he enjoyed his job as a postman and would stay as long as he was able. Sheila continued. “The next Saturday you an Ilda had us over for tea, and a play with the grandkids. Can’t wait for one of our own. Then Sunday, let me think”. Sheila thought really hard and suddenly exclaimed, I remember what we did on Sunday. Ilda and Doreen were knackered after looking after the kids, so we decided, whilst you three went to the allotments, to go to the club for a quick Sunday afternoon game of Bingo. So the three of us and the grandkids went to the club.”
Doreen and Hilda’s head jerked up as if just remembering this, and agreed with Sheila that they had forgotten this, and supported Sheila’s claim of going to the club for a swift game of Bingo with the grandchildren.
“Now we’re getting somewhere”, a rather bored detective inspector Harry interjected.” So what happened at the club Sheila,” he thought Sheila the better witness to the crime so continued giving her the rather soft third degree.
“We got there just before the bingo started. The kids were bored.” Then she pronounced her words one at a time and with emphasis.” I GAVE THEM MY BINGO PEN TO PLAY WITH. They must have kept it; mine had a little bunny rabbit on the tip.”
“I remember” interrupted Hilda” I gave them my Bingo pen to play with too; mind had a little ducky on it”. Sheila and Hilda looked at Doreen questioningly.
“Yes” Agreed Doreen humbly,” I gave them my pen to play with, it has kittens on and they wanted to play post offices and use the pens to ‘stamp’ the mail as it went through.”
“So the kids have the pens then, you will just have to use the sharpies provided by the club.” Said a very relieved Harry The great detective
“No” continued Sheila, “I know where the pens are, or where they should not be. She fished in the pockets of her best coat and as if she were a magician brandishing a pigeon she had pulled out of a hat ‘tada’, there were 3 Bingo pens. Just in time for their Saturday night Bingo session.
Hilda did win the giant teddy bear for her grandchildren. Doreen won a bottle of Brandy which she is putting away for Christmas, and Sheila won a box of chocolates which she shared with the table.
Well that is the end of the curious case of the missing Bingo pens, all I have to say is, the club is a place where you drink and play bingo, it is not a post office, and never will be.